maalingaw-ngaw na pala ang balita

i was shocked when Mami Jen texted me
"bell, are u free today? kausapin kita..
punta ka na lang sa opis ko.. sabay na tayo
mag-lunch"
well i am not aware what was going on..
and i'm a little bit nervous because whenever
she wanted to talk to me, things went vulnerable
before the minute of our conversation..

meanwhile..

after i finished everything that i have to
do, i slowly went to her opis (as what she have
said)

"yes mudra? why mo ko gusto maka-talk? may utos
ba ikaw to me?" (that's how i talk to her)
"lika, dun tayo sa hall, we really have to talk"

ow ehm gee! what's going on? bigla aku kinabahan?
then all of a sudden, she let me seat beside her..

at rumatsada na sya sa pagsasalita:
"is there anything wrong? is there any burden that
bother's u a lot? u can speak up, what's going on
with you?"

"waaah mami, why are you asking those things?"

"hindi nga? just tell me kung anu problema mo?"

mami really knows me a lot, that i can't hide anything
whenever she's around me..i told everything what
i am carrying right now.. while telling those story,
i can't help but cry.. she let me flow my tears
but of course lend me her shoulder..

one hour had passed..
i still frown..
suddenly she told me,
"i heard you are attempting to commit suicide"

but i stood in my silence..

"bakit hija? i know how strong you are at sa
pagkakakilala ko sayo, you are not that weak..
how come these things happened? i know suicidal
is a very stupid thing for you.. i know you very
much at alam kong matatag ka.. what had happened?"

while hearing those words, my tears continues..
(ow my gulay, is this a form of humiliation?)
i still keep on my silence.. i never speak because
i can't say anything..

3 minutes of silence..

"hija? what's wrong? lagi mu na lang kasi
kinikeep yung problems mo, you have to share
to release that burden, yes i know there are
circumstances that a particular thing is really
hard to carry on.. kaya nga kami nandito diba?
kami ung outlet mu"

.."mami, hindi ko na kilala yung sarili ko"

"even me, alam mo nung narinig ko ung news na yun
from somebody, hindi talag ako naniwala kasi i know
you're really tough! ikaw nga takbuhan ko minsan dba?
then kaninang umaga, na-confirmed ko na totoo nga
yung balitang un"

.."mabigat lang po talaga yung dinadala ko.. i know
it's really stupid, pero i am really crazy..indi
ko alam kung anu nangyayari saken.. parang i need
some company? pero ewan ko po talaga.."

my tears started to stop..

"okay ka na ba? or meron ka pa bang hindi nasasabi?"

.."im okay na po mami, and i was just shocked if how
did you know those crap?"

"alam mo naman ako, eh para na kitang anak eh..
pwede ba naman kitang pabayaan?"

..(medyo napangiti at natatawa na ng konti)"hehe,
nakakainis kayo mami, wala talaga ako maitago sa
inyo kahit ano, lagi nyo ako nabubuking.. even the
smallest secret that i hide nalalaman nyo pa din..
kelan kaya ako makakapagtago ng sikreto ka inyo?"

"basta hija, i know matatag ka pa din, kasi
you didn't continue your stupid plan.. wag kang
ganyan mawawalan kami ng magaling sa vibrant"

.."haha.. osha sige hindi na, ako ang pride nyo,
malaking kawalan ako.."

"tara kain na tayo,"


-i know i made something wrong from the very beginning,
and i knew with my self that all the things around me
turned ridiculous. but when i started to come up
with my self-realization, i almost forgot, "oh! am i
still bell?" i commit something wrong. i really need
to continue the foundation that i build to be
strong.. im a tough person as my friends knows me..
and no one can ever wreck that characteristic that
i build. =)